WTF?!?

Just got back from a visit with my doctor to review my fasting blood test results, compared to 3 months ago at my annual physical. My reaction — WTF?!?

I’ve been good – got more active, reduced my carb intake, followed guidance of a nutritionist to get down to a 1500-1800 calorie/day range, cut out a lot of the guilty pleasures, ate a LOT more rabbit food.

I lost 15 pounds since I was last in to see my doc. It was NOT easy.

HOWEVER – here’s the WTF moment – all my blood test numbers went in the WRONG direction. ALL of them. Triglycerides are up > 100 points from where they were 3 months ago, and even that was way too high.

I don’t get it. Neither does my doctor. She doesn’t know what to tell me other than that she’s got another patient who is a professional marathon runner who has cholesterol & diabetes 2 numbers through the roof, even though he’s a runner and a vegan.

Go figure.

So now I get to add yet another medicine to the list. UGH. I am SO grateful I have good health insurance. If this was still while I was unemployed, I’d be royally fucked.

News Roundup

Several items have caught my attention lately — some that are heartening, some that do nasty things to my blood pressure.

On the health care front, there finally appears to be some positive signs of a public option being included in health-care reform, although I’d be mighty pissed if I was in a state that opted out. 

There has been a lot of (necessary) attention to women’s health issues during the current healthcare debate — what it boils down to is that being a woman is a pre-existing condition in many states, including for reasons such as domestic violence (WTF?!):

Here’s a recap from Feministing:  Being a victim of domestic violence can be considered a pre-existing condition. Having had a previous C-section can be a pre-existing condition (unless, of course, you get sterilized ). Just being pregnant can be a pre-existing condition (or, if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll be able to buy an expensive rider for maternity coverage). Seeking treatment (for mental health problems or HIV/AIDS) after a rape can be a pre-existing condition. And if you’ve managed to get coverage after all that, you’ll probably have to pay more for your plan simply because you are woman .

My gal Michelle Obama put out a video on the current healthcare debate the other day at Organizing for America:

On top of not getting equal service for equal premiums (!!), there is the threat that women whose existing healthcare policies cover abortion may have that taken away as an option if the anti-choice Democrats get their way.

It’s just got this gal all riled up, and I’m firing off letters to my congressional representatives nearly daily, with each new action alert in my email.  Here’s one place you can go to add your voice — “Being a Woman is Not a Pre-Existing Condition.”

On another front, employees of Planned Parenthood across the country are blogging about their experiences during the 40 day anti-choice demonstrations being staged outside their clinics nationwide over at “I Am Emily X.”  In the words of one employee, “This health center offers comprehensive reproductive health care for the men and women of this community. I mean preventive health services: STD testing and treatment, breast exams, contraception, and education and information. And we provide women with a safe space to ask questions and seek guidance on even their most complicated reproductive decisions.  Here, we help them claim their own destiny.” 

In my own words, I am so grateful to my friend L, who took me to PP when I was 16, wasn’t fully aware of what could / couldn’t get me pregnant, and my period was late.  I got advice, information on birth control and STDs, and from then on until my 20’s when I did decide to have sex, it was MY decision, and it was SAFE.  Planned Parenthood is GOOD PEOPLE.

A couple more items to note:

Maria Shriver’s report,  A Woman’s Nation,  for the Center for American Progress has come out.  I haven’t read it yet, but plan on doing so in the near future.  They’re moving beyond the “work/life balance” issue, and taking a hard look at what’s going on in our society now that women make up half the US workforce.  According to Judith Warner at the NY Times, “despite its cheery-sounding title, the report conveys a bleak portrait of women’s non-progress in our day. The wage gap persists, particularly for mothers, who now earn 73 cents for every man’s dollar. Our workforce and education system is still sex-segregated, operating along generations-old stereotypes that steer most women into low-paid, low-status, low-security professions. Women pay more for health insurance than men, have more extensive health needs than men, and suffer unique forms of discrimination in their coverage. (Women may be denied coverage because they had a Caesarean delivery or were victims of domestic violence — both “preexisting conditions.”) Regardless of the number of hours they work, they continue to do far more caretaking and housekeeping work at home than do their husbands. And discrimination against mothers (but not fathers) in the workplace is all but ubiquitous.”

On yet another front, a report entitled “Women Warriors” from the Iraq Afghanistan Veterans of America, details the (still) very sorry state of sexual harrasment, rape, and poor health care that our women in the armed forces are dealing with.

Yes, Big Heather is pissed off and not going to accept the status quo.  Like I said, those emails are getting shot off to my congressional representatives every couple days…!

To end this post on a good note, the Senate has passed the National Defense Authorization Act, which now goes to President Obama (God, I still LOVE saying that phrase!) for approval; the act includes funding to help provide mandatory, confidential, face-to-face mental health screenings for every service member returning from action, amongst other things.  Read more here.

It’s all got me in a Kill Bill mood:

Poem by Rilke

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves . . .

Don’t search for the answers,

which could not be given to you now,

because you would not be able to live them.

and, the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future,

you will gradually, without even noticing it,

live your way into the answer.

 

 - Rainer Maria Rilke

Happy Dance!

The scale this morning said 199.5.  I haven’t weighed less than 200 lbs since at least January of this year when Oprah had her big “confession” in her O Magazine about weighing over 200 lbs again, as I remember when the article came out thinking, “you and me both, girl.”

WOOHOO!  Slowly but surely.

CNN Sucks

I’m guessing some of you have already seen Saturday Night Live’s most recent Obama skit. I laughed my ass off! And yes, he hasn’t done JACK that he promised yet (yes, I’m one of those nasty lefty liberals that wants him to implement his campaign promises). Here’s the skit:

The Daily Show has then come along and reemed CNN good. CNN fact checking an SNL skit, are you fucking kidding me??? CNN is NOT news, it is sensationalism, and it sucks. This bit from the Daily Show is SO spot on it’s absolutely frightening….

Book Review

Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits by Wayne W. Dyer

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Here’s some irony for you – I stalled about 3/4 of the way through this book – just couldn’t get myself over the hump, and let myself get distracted with several other books in the meantime. There was something I just wasn’t ready to read, so this sat for at least two months, gnawing at my conscience…

I finally picked it up, determinted to SLOG through till the bitter end, and found that there was nothing “bitter” about it — blasted through the remaining two chapters (only!) within a half hour, which had me scratching my head wondering what my big hold-up was…

Unfortunately it’s been long enough since I started the book that I don’t remember much of the main content, so now I must go back again at some point and re-read, but now knowing that there is NOT some big horrible monster waiting in the closet for me at the end of the book..

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Book Review

My Life in France (Movie Tie-In Edition) by Julia Child

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I’m a self-admitted Food Network junkie, thanks in large part to watching Julia Child on PBS as a child — she was such an entertaining lady! And now that I’ve had the chance to read her memoirs, I am completely in love with Julia — a “late-bloomer” who found her life-long love and her PASSION, which jumped out at me from every page of this book. She loved France like I love Russia, which is so hard to describe to people, and I love food and travel too, so this book was a big hit with me. I’m certain I will re-read this many times over in the years to come. Now, where can I get my hands on a DVD collection of “The French Chef?”

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The Road Home

An ant hurries along a threshing floor

with its wheat grain, moving between huge stacks

of wheat, not knowing the abundance

all around.  It thinks its one grain

is all there is to love.

 

So we choose a tiny seed to be devoted to.

This body, one path or one teacher.

Look wider and farther.

 

The essence of every human being can see,

and what that essence-eye take in,

the being becomes.  Saturn.  Solomon!

 

The ocean pours through a jar,

and you might say it swims inside

the fish!  This mystery gives peace to

your longing and makes the road home home.

– Jalaluddin Rumi, 13th century Sufi mystic and poet

WTF?

Within the last 6 weeks, C and I have returned from bizarro world, and once again have two incomes, one mortgage.  All sunshine & roses, right?

So this morning I logged into our bank account just to see and feel great about seeing our bank account balance being MORE than the month before (like WAY more since I just deposited the balance from the old house sale after paying off the remaining mortgage, which will now go to pay off the bridge loan we took out to make the downpayment on this house). 

But in a weird twist, a couple hours later as I was walking down the hall at work, I felt a quick sudden panic attack type thought about what if now we won’t be able to cover our regular monthly expenses now that I’m on a lower salary.  And I haven’t even crunched through the numbers yet until I pay off that other loan (payoff quote to be coming in mail any day now). 

Where the F*** did that panic thought come from?  Is it that I haven’t really been eating right lately, not drinking my nutrition shakes as regularly as I should, and relying more often than I’d like on Xanax to help me doze off at night?  I haven’t felt like I had to use it more than maybe on an occaisonal Sunday night for AGES. 

Am I jinxing myself? 

Oh well, at least tonight the DVR is set to tape the season premier of Heroes, and I’ve got my “New Age Beer Fest” ladies arriving within the hour for a couple hours of sharing / discussion.  Both very good positive things!

Wingut Summer

Has anyone else noticed the hatred is thick enough to cut with a knife? It makes me ashamed… 

I just shake my head in disbelief at these “birthers,” and those who vehemently believe President Obama is akin with Hitler or Stalin, those who take any tiny little event of Obama hosting Muslim religious leaders as “proof” of some hidden “Muslim” agenda to destroy our “Christian” nation, or those that throw out the words “communism” or “socialism” when describing the political left’s agenda, yet fail to see that much of what “the left” (myself included) want to do is take care of our fellow man and protect the planet we live on…

Here’s a round-up of some of the articles from the last week or so that I belive summarize it best

Race and the Right and an article about the recent ugly ”tea-party” in Washington D.C., both at The Daily Beast.  The ugly is on, and the politicians in the Republican Party are doing jack-shit to stop Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh from whipping up the frenzy.

A breakdown of what’s happening in the President’s approval ratings by race, and how the Republican’s are cleverly turning the white swing voters against Obama, and people freaking out about the President speaking to our nation’s school-children about the virtue of hard work and having goals.

Obama was right in his speech to the joint session of Congress last week - we are at a turning point where we need to re-focus on the moral character of our country, do right by our fellow citizen, and shape the future instead of getting appoplectic about the changes that are coming, whether we deal with them now or make our children deal with our mess.   This is about people like Steve Skvara, and you and me.

ISO other women bloggers…

Ifinally got around to start reading “Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape,” which I’d heard about on Feministing, a blog I read rather frequently.  I’ve only gone through a few chapters so far, but it’s really blowing my mind, making me think through a lot of the myths I’ve internalized about rape, women’s sexuality, body image, blah blah blah… too much to go into this late at night

…but it did put me in a mood to go through and find some more blogs, written by women, which I’ve added to my blogroll on the right side-bar.  Haven’t had a chance to investigate the new ones in-depth, other than browsing through the “About Me” sections, and skimming through a few sample posts.  

Kinkophobia alert — some of these blogs are very “adult-only.”

Fantastic Day!

I was able to knock out re-tooling an excel workbook at work today that hasn’t been updated since 2008 that we need to track all the “intra-company” labor support agreements in 2010 — made sure the formulas all worked properly, locked a lot of the cells so that only certain cells can be used for input to prevent formulas from being edited, made sure all the links worked between sheets, got the page set-up set to a standard view regardless of tabs… This is REALLY going to be a big reference help for my department in FY10, which starts October 1.

Then went to dinner at a new place here in town, Casa Bonita, with my “job fairy” M, whom I initially met at a Law of Attraction drop-in-circle at The Present Moment. We sat outside ejoying the low 70’s evening weather, a cool margarita and delicious soft-shell tacos before walking up the street to go to tonight’s Law of Attraction circle, where we were joined by another of my very close friends.

I love going to the LOA circle each month — it’s like getting a booster shot of POSITIVE ENERGY for the next four weeks. Fantastic group of people and wonderful stories that were shared tonight. My take-away: no more “knocking on wood” — it’s attracting bad energy. I need to not think that I can “jinx” my luck, but to EXPECT good things in my life.

Had long talk with C after LOA circle about maybe trying using the “scripting” process to imagine “what would my life be like without XZY?” and how wonderful that would be. I won’t go into her particular obstacle, but I’ll tell you that I’ve used the scripting process before and it works wonders.

Book Review

John Adams by David McCullough

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I had previously known extremely little of John Adams and the role he played as one of the pivotal founding fathers of America, other than what I’d read about the close friendship between himself and his wife, Abigail, who literally kept the farm running all those years he was off helping to birth the new nation.

David McCullough has assembled an absolutely amazing portrait not just of a historical figure, but a family man through and through who took his own calling as a servant of the public good very seriously, kept himself above the din of ruthless partisan slanders, and found his strength in his family and friendship with his wife Abigail.

I ended the book with an expanded appreciation for the sacrifices Adams and his wife Abigail made for our new-born nation, and wishing more attention was paid to Adams in our educational system. Although the book is long, the subject matter and McCullough’s writing style are so vibrant that I found it very hard to put the book down.

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Book Review

The Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I think this is the 4th or 5th book of Coelho’s that I’ve read, and I found it much more absorbing than the other books. It is a wonderfully crafted story of finding one’s meaning in life, the struggle to overcome great personal loss, and how to find the strength to rebuild.

I could not put this book down — tore through it in 3 days. This will definitely be a frequent re-read for me.

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Book Review

Zero Limits: The Secret Hawaiian System for Wealth, Health, Peace, and More by Joe Vitale

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
It was quite a mind-trip a couple months ago when I first heard about this book to also hear the whole concept that the only common factor about all the “problems” / “issues” I’d faced in my life was ME. ME. ALONE. Such a simple concept, yet so amazingly profound and such a mind-shift.

Having read a lot of Abraham-Hicks and Wayne Dyer, I’m already accepting of the concept of each of us creating our own reality. Joe Vitale takes this a step further, progressing the Hawaiian “Ho’Opononpono” concept that all of the “bad stuff” out there in the world that we encounter is of our own creation. War, murder, the economy & mass-layoffs — it was all MY creation, on top of whatever personal difficulties I’ve faced. The common factor is ME. I’m still trying to take this in.

The Ho’Oponopono approach to dealing with this is to “clean.” Frequently, on whatever issue it is that is “bad” and is drawn into our reality. The basics of this cleaning method are to repeat over and over “toward” the person, thing, issue (God) that is in your view is to repeat over and over the phrases “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, I’m sorry.”

So I’m not sure if it “works” to bring wealth, health, etc like the title of the book says, but I am finding it to be a very calming practice. Not sure I can cure world peace yet, but give me time.

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Maybe / Finally Selling the old House?

After two years of our old house (Chuck’s initially; I moved in after we got married) being on the market and a change of realtors earlier this spring, we finally have a light at the end of the tunnel.

Closing scheduled for this Friday; the inspection 3 weeks ago led to us replacing the furnace and having a gas leak for the water heater repaired by the person Chuck’s Uncle Bill sold his book of business to before he died ~ 5 yrs ago. (George). George has done good by the family these last few years; he didn’t charge us labor for this last issue. No problem, rockin’ & rollin’.

This afternoon the buyer’s lawyer called ours to say that the FHA inspector (this is an FHA buyer / loan) was there today, and the kitchen countertop outlets are within 6 feet of the sink, so they need to have those grounding switches, or the FHA won’t approve the loan. HELLO?!? Why the fuck are you doing this inspection and telling us this only 3 days before the closing?

Of course it needs to be fixed by a licensed electrician, which will likely cost $200 for installing maybe $15 worth of switches… So not so sure what this will do to the closing date. So much for this Friday, we’re guessing.

I went over tonight to see if any of the outlets had the switch (no), so stopped in to talk with the neighbor (a former resident of Kharkov, Ukraine, coincidentally, where I studied Russian). I also took the two halogen floor lamps and the vacumn cleaner we’d left there. As I was leaving, I realized I have had so much built-up frustration toward this place that was first home together that I did a little “Ho’Oponopono” cleaning.

And I still need to do some. So without further adieu:

I’m sorry,

Please forgive me,

I love you,

Thank you.

Extreme Silliness, Russian Style

Warning — this is explicit stuff, so don’t play it with the kids around or if you have sensitive ears!

This is my ear-worm today, Zhopa by the group Leningrad.  “Zhopa” is the Russian word for ass, and in this nice little piece, the singer is extolling the virtues of his girlfriend’s Zhopa and how much he loves her (it)…

Happy Birthday, Misha!

In the fall of 1991, having finished college, I got the “Russia” bug in me again, cashed out the remainder of my college trust fund and went back to Kharkov, Ukraine, which was still a part of the USSR, to teach English at Kharkov Politechnic Institute (KPI), where I’d studied Russian the fall semester fo 1990.

Part of my agreement with the International Dept. at KPI was that they’d provide me free housing in the international student dorms. Not much to my surprise, the dorms were shit. I could’ve lived with that except that there was NO hot water whatsoever, and I was (I’m pretty sure) the only female in the entire building, with a very wimpy little lock on the wimpy door. Within about a week of living there, I’d already come down with a cold from needing to wash in cold water…

I had brought with me some letters from KPI’s students that had come over to the US to study during the fall 1991 semester at my alma mater, St. Norbert College (SNC) approximately 3 weeks before I left for Kharkov. In early September, I called the parents of one of these students, and agreed to meet his father in the early evening to give him his son’s letter. The mother was out of town on vacation, down in the Crimean.

I went to meet the father, Mikhail Andrianovich, in their “sleepy neighborhood” (quiet, lots of trees) in the heart of downtown, a 5 minute walk from Lenin’s statue on Derzhinsky Square. I come up to the necessary apartment building, and see an older man, maybe late 60’s, short, walking a little white/gray mutt dog (who was NOT friendly). I gave him the letter, and we chatted for a bit, then he asked me up for some tea / snacks, and me being starving (!!) agreed.

Mikhail Andrianovich talked quite a bit, I couldn’t catch it all, but he was very nice to me, said he’d really like me to meet his wife, Ludmila Ivanovna, who was vacationing in the Crimean and would be back in another week. The dog, Marta, kept her eye on me (I was afraid of her!). Anyway, I left maybe in an hour or so, but with an invitation to call back after his wife would be back.

Now here’s a BIG fast forward. I ended up living with them for the rest of my stay (I went home in January 1992), visited them again in fall 1992, spent my 25th birthday with them in 1994, they visited me briefly in 1996, when they came to Moscow to see Ludmila off at Moscow Sheremetevo airport when she flew to visit their son for the summer at his home with his wife in Madison, WI, and since I’ve returned to the states, I was able to see them very often, as their son’s family moved to within 5 miles of where I currently live.

I looked back through the diary I kept when I initially lived with “Misha” and “Mila,” who quickly became my Russian Papa & Mama, and became such a very large part of my life over these last 20 years. The funny thing is that I can’t really find anything about Misha except for that he was very adamant about keeping my room / their apartment picked up / in order (On ljubil porjadok!) I can’t find anything of the long walks we sometimes took through the park, or how he told me about being drafted (along with his whole 1st yr University class) into the Soviet Red Army in 1939 to fight first in the “Finnish Campaign,” and then “on the front” in the Great Patriotic War (WW II), and of some of his experiences in the army. He told me about his disastrous first marriage, and then how he proposed to Mila the very first night he met her. He spoke often of his work as an engineer (and then Chief Engineer) at the Kharkov Turbine Factory, and his travels across the USSR in some very large turbine installment projects, and how he returned to the University at the age of 50 to then go on and become a professor.

He called me Detka (kiddo, but in a very uniquely Russian, endearing way that I just adored), and always told me to Imej golovu! (Keep your wits about you), and Nos Vverkh! (literally, Nose Up!, meaning “Keep your Chin Up” or “Keep a stiff upper lip!”) He scolded me when I’d come home late (and wake up with a hang-over), and he was extremely supportive of my going to graduate school. He gave me the seal of approval when he met Chuck, and said that Chuck drives like a “Professional” (same word in Russian).

In one afternoon spent with Misha and Mila in late 2002 or early 2003, while we ate lunch at a (ubiquitous) China Buffet, we discovered that Misha had a STRONG liking for pudding — quite by accident, as he was curious what I’d taken from the dessert area — and we found out it was a dish he’d had & loved as a child — Molochny Kissel. From then on, I’d always make sure he went home with, or send home with Mila for him a big pack of Swiss Miss individual pudding cups!

I wish I had taken more photos of Misha — here is one I found from some time in mid-2003 at my apartment. He never really smiled much in photos.

I think I have some 35mm negatives from my visit in 2005 where I might have better pictures, but I’ve got to get them to Walgreens for putting on CD…

Here’s one of the last photos of Misha that I have — taken at our wedding. Misha was already very sick then. Not surprising for a man in his mid-80s who’d far surpassed the life expectancy for the average Soviet male, particularly one who’d fought in WW II and been wounded twice. I was just so glad both he and Mila could be at my wedding, because they were / are so important to me, and they are my family.   As Mila puts it, this was his poslednij vjixod (last public appearance). …

Here’s an excerpt from a letter in June, 1994, when I was in grad-school  — his opening lines are so typical of his advice to me over the years:  Our Dear Girl,  Today we received your letter, and were very glad.  We understand you, that there’s a lot of difficulty in your affairs, but you are young, you’ll over-come all, all will be well, all will fall into place…   Thank you Misha, you were right. 

Anyway, Happy Birthday — Tsarskoje tebje nebesnoje… Ja tebja lublju

New Adventure

Had a meeting last night with 4 other women – we’re committing to starting a monthly get-together to help each other discover our (hidden from ourselves) talents, encourage each other in new endeavors (entrepreneurial, personal, spiritual), and be sounding boards for each other, but no “walking wounded.”

I’m hosting next month’s meeting – still need to digest how this first meeting has got me thinking. One of the things I brought up is my extreme difficulty committing to my own health improvement, given my recent Type II diabetes diagnosis… Just can’t seem to tap into whatever inspiration it is that is needed to get me to really truly commit and stick with it… I can read about self-improvement until the cows come home, but when it comes to putting that into my physical reality, I have a disconnect…

Anyway, I’m very excited about this group – this is what I had hoped to get out of the women’s ministry at church, but did not get — what I got was running registration, and never feeling like my spiritual needs were being met. This new group is much more intimate and will allow the deeper connection with other women that I’m seeking.

Testing out a new WP functionality