Keep having dreams that thematically are some amalgam of my husband and an ex-boyfriend who are leaving me – he/they not satisfied in the relationship because of something I haven’t done or leaving because of something I did do. Had it again this morning. Leaves me feeling a little off kilter, even though having recently seen a PBS special called What Are Dreams, and having talked at length about it with my therapist not long after it aired, I (intellectually) know that this is just my brain’s way of working through my subconscious fears and figuring out how to break through to different, more successful patterns. But still makes me waking up feeling icky.
Also talked at my last visit about Ludmila passing away. My “assignment” is to figure out a way to memorialize her – some sort of small ceremony to say good-bye. It still feels like I just haven’t talked with her for a few weekends. And then today when listening through old messages in our home voicemail is a call from Ludmila on one of Chuck’s birthdays, and it just choked me up to hear her voice again – I want to listen to it over and over. I’m too chicken to call her son D — guess I’m not ready, maybe jealous? Don’t really feel like I have a right to question what he’s doing to memorialize her or to ask to be included.
And then I read a friend’s post earlier tonight about her mother, whose got a terminal disease, and with whom she’s had a very rough relationship that makes mine with my mother look downright tame, and yet I by choice have not spoken with mom for over two years now, and have no plans or desires to try to “resurect” some feelings that died over 20 years ago (hence the other mothers in my life). Don’t know what the fuck will happen if/when my mother ever gets a long-term illness or needs long-term care, because I know darn well she’s not going to have the financial resources to pay for it herself, and I do not / cannot forsee myself opening up my home or pocket-book. Especially my home. I truly admire my friend for her ability to even be able to talk with her mother. I can’t / won’t.
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Fun book – the main character has moxie and a dry sense of humor – my kind of gal. Lots of gore, blood, sex, and a few murders to make the story complete. Will definitely look for the next in the series.
Went to see Avatar again this afternoon, with Chuck, his sister and her husband. It is MUCH better on IMAX and sitting in the middle of the 2nd row from the top than it is in the first row, far over on the left aisle. Didn’t get sea-sick this time!
Anyway, before the movie got started we started talking about my SIL’s current book that she’d brought along to kill time (as we got there an hour early to score good seats!) – “Positivity,” by Dr. Barbara Fredrickson — we all took the test to see where we would fall out – it was interesting – you can take it here, and even sign up for a free account if you want. I came out scoring relatively well – around the 3 mark. Life has been good lately – things can and will always change (good old chaos theory), but that’s ok – part of life, gotta expect it, and enjoy the ride.
And to end the night on a good note, here’s the song “Good Night, Children” from Russian TV that played around 8:00 pm each night – the cartoons / animated films that always followed were done so well, and listening to this just brings back such good memories of living with Mila & Misha…
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Interesting telling – am curious to find out now just how accurate this fictionalized account was – some parts of his life skipped. Know I need to go back and re-read, b/c I think I somehow got my bookmark in the wrong place and read the same section twice (???). Somewhat curious to find out how Deepak Chopra treated the life story of Jesus in that fictionalized account.
As I was driving into work this morning, the morning dj on my local station, WXRT, said something about what a decade this was, and it really got me thinking … Many folks send a note in their Christmas cards with a wrap-up of the year, but this first decade of the 21st century has been quite the ride, so here goes:
Started out recently new into my career at Sprint PCS, in a booming wireless industry. Went thr0ugh a whole set of a cat’s nine lives — survived 7 of them at Sprint, left for greener pastures, and lost the last two lives at two other Fortune 500’s — Kraft, then Allstate. Ending up the decade recently new into my career as a federal civilian employee in a world very different from private sector!
Started out with my first car ever – a recently purchased, used Ford station wagon that I just loved! But I loved it VERY much, and it came time to move along when I got closer and closer to the 140,000 mile mark. Bought my very first brand-spanking new car — a Subaru Forester; paid it off this past April. At the moment it’s still in the body shop (week 3 already) after a lost battle with a patch of ice and a collision with another car in our first snow of the year. Cars can be fixed, people can’t — luckily I came out of this without a scratch. I sure kept my guardian angels busy that morning…
Got to have a little of the Ukraine here with me in Chicagoland — In a strange twist of fate, my Russian Mama & Papa from Kharkov, Ukraine, came to visit the area often, as their son & daughter-in-law moved into a home only 5 or 6 miles from where I currently live! We often spoke of how none of us would have ever thought that I’d be driving them around in MY car in CHICAGO, more than a decade after I’d first met them.
Came into the decade in a VERY a) long-distance b) unhealthy relationship. Finally had enough, forced a decision, which resulted in a break-up, and my broken-heart. Went to Mexico on a yoga-retreat, cried out my heartache during some guided meditation (and with the sound of the soft rain falling outside). Went out into the rain after the yoga session and yelled at a storm far off over the Carribean about what I demanded / expected / DESERVED in a relationship. Two months later I met the man I would eventually marry. Exiting the decade 4 months shy of our 5th wedding anniversary.
About that marriage thing — I went from being part of a very very small family, with practically no “extended” family, to being part of a very large family, that continued to grow — two “insta” nephews, soon joined by two nieces (that’s all immediate family) and what is for me a GYNORMOUS extended family. The 2005 Richtfort family reunion in Gatlinburg, TN – almost 30 of us in a large lodge — was quite the plunge into “Big Family”!
I started doing Yoga, learned to play poker,and added another language to the repetoir — basic Signed English (I do better after a glass of wine).
The death of some people very very dear to me — my Russian papa in January 2006, and just a few weeks ago, my Russian mama.
The birth of some people very very dear to me — (in order), Emma, Katherine, Katie, Jacqueline, Nathan — being an Aunt is extremely fulfilling and inspiring.
The death of my sister’s dear little daughter Katie, who was stillborn fullterm. Doctors couldn’t pinpoint any reason why. I only got to see her and touch her hand once, at her funeral. And instead of holding her, I helped accompany her tiny little coffin with her uncles, my brother James and brother-in-law’s brother Dan. I don’t understand why she was here for just the build-up to the beginning of her life here on earth, but I know she is our little angel, and I think of her all the time.
Had many wonderful years with my buddy, my cat Boris. He was my sole companion for the first half of the decade in my apartment in Chicago. He would jump up on the bed and touch his nose to mine in the morning when it I had missed his internal breakfast time! I was so heartbroken when it came time to make what I knew to be the right decision — to have him euthanized — in mid-2006. Knowing how much Boris meant to me, Chuck surprised me for my birthday in 2007 with a drive down to the Hinsdale ASPCA, where he’d put a reserve on a brother-and-sister pair of black cats who needed a home. We had name choices down to either Luke & Leia (as in Star Wars) or Bart & Lisa (as in The Simpsons). By the time the first week was up, we knew without a doubt that the boy cat was too darn stupid to be a Luke, so Bart & Lisa it was! They keep us laughing (and sometimes cussing), but we love them just the same.
Got even more out of my shell — getting laid off and being plunged into needing to network really was a shock, but one that turned out bringing some very wonderful people, new friends, and learning experiences into my life.
I’ve also gotten less reserved about speaking my mind and about taking action for what I believe in socially and politically, and have come to realize that I really am a Feminist in the full sense of the word. If you take a look on the “About Me” and “Take Action” tab, you’ll get the picture.
Finally, for the very first time in my adult life, I picked a winner — I cannot even begin to tell you the feelings of pride and joy and patriotism I felt watching Barack Obama’s acceptance speech from Lincoln Park in Chicago and also on Inauguration day. And it’s NOT just because he’s black, and it’s NOT just because he’s a Democrat. Many people get it, and many people are convinced he’s a Communist Terrorist African. ‘Nuff said.
The geek in me rejoiced at the release of several movies — mainly the LOTR trilogy, the Chronicles of Narnia, and the new Star Trek! AND my geek dream came true when I got to visit the Star Trek Experience at the Hilton in Las Vegas in 2006. (Oh, yeah – almost forgot that I saw the Grand Canyon for the first time also).
So now here we are about to ring in not just a new year, but a new century — my 40’s to be exact. I am really looking forward to this new decade, this new land of opportunity, land of abundance, land of being surrounded by wonderful people in my life. And I gotta tell you I’m feeling like I’m knowing myself, my SOUL so much more, going into the 10’s (Teens?) much more consciously, and creatively.
Got the news Friday afternoon that my Russian Mama, Ludmila had passed away in her sleep. Unfortunately, it was not a surprise to me, as over the last month and a half or so, each time I called I could hear in her voice how her health was deteriorating. (She’d had several heart attacks in the early 90s, had open-heart bypass surgery a few years back…).
I met Ludmila and her husband Mikhail in the fall of 1991, when I cashed out the rest of my college fund to buy a plane ticket back to the (then) USSR to teach English in Kharkov, Ukraine (where I’d studied the previous fall). Within a few weeks of arriving, I met this wonderful elderly couple who took me into their home.
Ludmila and I hit it off very well. She (tried) to help me learn how to cook, although she professed to not being the best cook in the world herself. We often would sit and paint our nails together while watching some classic Russian cinema on TV. She helped me buy a fur hat. We had bronchitis and were housebound together in December of that year; there were a few days in a row when we’d wait for Mikhail to leave for the University in the morning, then have a quick shot of vodka with some salo (frozen pork fat-back) slices on Russian black bread, home-made dill pickles and some freshly made Russian sauerkraut to get our “organism” going for the day. She and Mikhail listened in with excitement as I whooped “IT’S A BOY! BOY!” when finding out about the birth of my little brother in October 91.
When I went home in January of 1992, I honestly thought I’d never see Mikhail and Ludmila again.
But I did — often, over the last 18 years. In a strange twist of fate, their son and his wife live maybe 6 miles from me, so over the last 10 years since I moved to Chicago, I’ve seen them a lot — particularly so after Misha died in early 2006. I became Ludmila’s only “social outlet” so to speak, as she couldn’t drive and didn’t speak English.
Our favorite place was “Ulta” – cosmetics, fragrances, lotions, bath & body, haircare, etc. all in one store – it can’t get any better than this! Each time I went to pick up Ludmila, we always made sure to stop in. We even nick-named it our “Khrahm Krahsohtiy” (Cathedral of Beauty), and joked about going there to pray.
We also frequented Panera quite a bit — the cheesy brocoli soup was her favorite.
She often told me “I’m not old. I’ve just lived a long time!” She had such a fun, folksy way of speaking in Russian, which I can’t begin to describe except to use the word “JUICY.” — When I told her this once, she just loved it!
When I lived with them, her friends & acquaintances figured out pretty quickly from my accent whenever I’d answer the phone that I was American. I was often referred to by all as “Nasha Amerikanka” (our American Girl), and Ludmila took up calling me her “Nezakonno-Rozhdenaya Dochka” (Our Illegitimate Daughter), which just cracked me up to no end, as she always said it with a saucy grin!
I was listening to new voicemail on our home phone the other day, and in the ones that we’ve saved over the years (like when the nephews were very young), there’s one from Ludmila congratulating us (!!) on Chuck’s birthday. It was strange to hear her voice, and think that I can’t call her anymore on Saturday mornings, or on those off-nights when I wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning and give her a ring… And it’s made all so much more strange by the fact that she was so far away anyway, on the other side of the planet…
Well, I know she’s with Misha now, and with her parents, and am very glad that she can be with them, and especially that she’s finally reuinited with her papa, whom she hadn’t seen since before WW II when he was called off, and then was killed a week after VE day, when his jeep hit a land mine in Romania on their way back home…
I was more nervous about Chuck getting Ludmila & Mikhail’s seal of approval and for them to hit it off with Chuck’s parents than I was with my own parents… I even put our wedding on a fast track (4 1/2 mths after our engagement) so that they could BE at our wedding.
I know I”m rambling, but how does one describe the impact of a loved one passing over to the other side? Particulary one who so completely filled the mother role for me?
Chuck and I just got done watching a documentary that follows a handful of children as they experience their first year at the Milton Hershey school in Pennsylvania. The documentary was released as part of the school’s centenial celebration.
Watching the kids deal with some of the shit in their world (sexual abuse, parents that are drug abusers, living in poverty, etc) really stirred up some OLD emotions for me – don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a pity party here, just connecting very strongly to some of the shit I went through as a kid (nowhere near as bad as some of the kids in this documentary) and wishing to God these kids didn’t have to go through it… And very grateful that they were able to be rescued by this school and loving, caring group of adults (house parents, psychologists, teachers) that were willing to give them a second chance in life and see them as worthy human beings that they are.
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Not sure how we got onto the topic, but a discussion with my 7-yr old nephew about the story prompted me to read the book (my husband had it), which I’d never read. Definitely a lot more philosophical than all the resulting movies. I found that I was much more sympathetic to “the monster” than I was toward Victor Frankenstein, the creator. Vrey unexpected, but fitting ending.
It’s been a pretty big week, spiritually speaking. Have been whacked over the head with the realization that I am so addicted to the roller coaster of life that I have a hard time accepting when things are good and start unconsciously sabotaging my state of well-being. Also have had the chance to connect with some very powerful, positive, evolved women. The words BRAVE, BOLD, and BIG have been resonating with me very much. Practiced a “Rampage of Appreciation” with other women on Thursday night and it did a great job of snapping me back to “good” in just a minute flat, and reminding me of the ABUNDANCE of good in my life. WOW. And it was so damn EASY, too. Great reminder on how good feeling good can be. Also some very powerful affirmation of what my path is in this life.
Here’s a couple songs by one of my favorite “New Age” singers, Deva Primal:
Sacred Heart Mantra: OmNamoNarayanaya
Pronounced: Aum Nah-mo Nah-rah-yah-nay-yah
Rough Translation: Om is the Name of Narayana, the flame of truth
Description: Narayana is the inner eternal flame located in the “Hrit Padma” or “sacred heart”, an eight-petaled secret chakra two-finger widths below the heart center. It manifests according to one’s devotion. This single attribute accounts for wonderful and fulfilling experiences for genuine seekers on the one hand and for tremendous confusion on the other.
In the Narayana Suktam it is said that Narayana is Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. It is the light dwelling in the sacred heart that conforms to the devotion of each person. Thus, when Narayana manifests it is as the persons chosen ideal. This causes confusion, because different people have different chosen ideals. The experience of a divine vision of the Beloved is so powerful that the experiencer believes the experience is absolute instead of relative. One person may see Krishna and another, Jesus. The confusion arises because not every divine experience of these beings is authentic in the sense of a real “visitation.” Sometimes it is the sacred heart manifesting due to the intense devotion of the person.
OmNamoNarayanaya takes the sayer to the sublime spiritual realms where spiritual questions are answered and great truths are revealed. Spiritual encounters with the Divine Beloved can be positively life transforming. Actual sages from antiquity who are dwelling in the subtle realms may appear and instruct. Desires my suddenly be fulfilled. This mantra is both wonderful and mysterious.
om – O my Lord; namah – my respectful obeisances unto You; bhagavate – unto the Personality of Godhead; vasudevaya–unto Lord Krsna, the son of Vasudeva.
Translation: O my Lord, the all-pervading Personality of Godhead, I offer my respectful obeisances unto You.
Just got back from a visit with my doctor to review my fasting blood test results, compared to 3 months ago at my annual physical. My reaction — WTF?!?
I’ve been good – got more active, reduced my carb intake, followed guidance of a nutritionist to get down to a 1500-1800 calorie/day range, cut out a lot of the guilty pleasures, ate a LOT more rabbit food.
I lost 15 pounds since I was last in to see my doc. It was NOT easy.
HOWEVER – here’s the WTF moment – all my blood test numbers went in the WRONG direction. ALL of them. Triglycerides are up > 100 points from where they were 3 months ago, and even that was way too high.
I don’t get it. Neither does my doctor. She doesn’t know what to tell me other than that she’s got another patient who is a professional marathon runner who has cholesterol & diabetes 2 numbers through the roof, even though he’s a runner and a vegan.
Go figure.
So now I get to add yet another medicine to the list. UGH. I am SO grateful I have good health insurance. If this was still while I was unemployed, I’d be royally fucked.
Several items have caught my attention lately — some that are heartening, some that do nasty things to my blood pressure.
On the health care front, there finally appears to be some positive signs of a public option being included in health-care reform, although I’d be mighty pissed if I was in a state that opted out.
There has been a lot of (necessary) attention to women’s health issues during the current healthcare debate — what it boils down to is that being a woman is a pre-existing condition in many states, including for reasons such as domestic violence (WTF?!):
Here’s a recap from Feministing: Being a victim of domestic violence can be considered a pre-existing condition. Having had a previous C-section can be a pre-existing condition (unless, of course, you get sterilized ). Just being pregnant can be a pre-existing condition (or, if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll be able to buy an expensive rider for maternity coverage). Seeking treatment (for mental health problems or HIV/AIDS) after a rape can be a pre-existing condition. And if you’ve managed to get coverage after all that, you’ll probably have to pay more for your plan simply because you are woman .
My gal Michelle Obama put out a video on the current healthcare debate the other day at Organizing for America:
On top of not getting equal service for equal premiums (!!), there is the threat that women whose existing healthcare policies cover abortion may have that taken away as an option if the anti-choice Democrats get their way.
It’s just got this gal all riled up, and I’m firing off letters to my congressional representatives nearly daily, with each new action alert in my email. Here’s one place you can go to add your voice — “Being a Woman is Not a Pre-Existing Condition.”
On another front, employees of Planned Parenthood across the country are blogging about their experiences during the 40 day anti-choice demonstrations being staged outside their clinics nationwide over at “I Am Emily X.” In the words of one employee, “This health center offers comprehensive reproductive health care for the men and women of this community. I mean preventive health services: STD testing and treatment, breast exams, contraception, and education and information. And we provide women with a safe space to ask questions and seek guidance on even their most complicated reproductive decisions. Here, we help them claim their own destiny.”
In my own words, I am so grateful to my friend L, who took me to PP when I was 16, wasn’t fully aware of what could / couldn’t get me pregnant, and my period was late. I got advice, information on birth control and STDs, and from then on until my 20’s when I did decide to have sex, it was MY decision, and it was SAFE. Planned Parenthood is GOOD PEOPLE.
A couple more items to note:
Maria Shriver’s report, A Woman’s Nation, for the Center for American Progress has come out. I haven’t read it yet, but plan on doing so in the near future. They’re moving beyond the “work/life balance” issue, and taking a hard look at what’s going on in our society now that women make up half the US workforce. According to Judith Warner at the NY Times, “despite its cheery-sounding title, the report conveys a bleak portrait of women’s non-progress in our day. The wage gap persists, particularly for mothers, who now earn 73 cents for every man’s dollar. Our workforce and education system is still sex-segregated, operating along generations-old stereotypes that steer most women into low-paid, low-status, low-security professions. Women pay more for health insurance than men, have more extensive health needs than men, and suffer unique forms of discrimination in their coverage. (Women may be denied coverage because they had a Caesarean delivery or were victims of domestic violence — both “preexisting conditions.”) Regardless of the number of hours they work, they continue to do far more caretaking and housekeeping work at home than do their husbands. And discrimination against mothers (but not fathers) in the workplace is all but ubiquitous.”
On yet another front, a report entitled “Women Warriors” from the Iraq Afghanistan Veterans of America, details the (still) very sorry state of sexual harrasment, rape, and poor health care that our women in the armed forces are dealing with.
Yes, Big Heather is pissed off and not going to accept the status quo. Like I said, those emails are getting shot off to my congressional representatives every couple days…!
To end this post on a good note, the Senate has passed the National Defense Authorization Act, which now goes to President Obama (God, I still LOVE saying that phrase!) for approval; the act includes funding to help provide mandatory, confidential, face-to-face mental health screenings for every service member returning from action, amongst other things. Read more here.
The scale this morning said 199.5. I haven’t weighed less than 200 lbs since at least January of this year when Oprah had her big “confession” in her O Magazine about weighing over 200 lbs again, as I remember when the article came out thinking, “you and me both, girl.”
I’m guessing some of you have already seen Saturday Night Live’s most recent Obama skit. I laughed my ass off! And yes, he hasn’t done JACK that he promised yet (yes, I’m one of those nasty lefty liberals that wants him to implement his campaign promises). Here’s the skit:
The Daily Show has then come along and reemed CNN good. CNN fact checking an SNL skit, are you fucking kidding me??? CNN is NOT news, it is sensationalism, and it sucks. This bit from the Daily Show is SO spot on it’s absolutely frightening….
My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Here’s some irony for you – I stalled about 3/4 of the way through this book – just couldn’t get myself over the hump, and let myself get distracted with several other books in the meantime. There was something I just wasn’t ready to read, so this sat for at least two months, gnawing at my conscience…
I finally picked it up, determinted to SLOG through till the bitter end, and found that there was nothing “bitter” about it — blasted through the remaining two chapters (only!) within a half hour, which had me scratching my head wondering what my big hold-up was…
Unfortunately it’s been long enough since I started the book that I don’t remember much of the main content, so now I must go back again at some point and re-read, but now knowing that there is NOT some big horrible monster waiting in the closet for me at the end of the book..
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I’m a self-admitted Food Network junkie, thanks in large part to watching Julia Child on PBS as a child — she was such an entertaining lady! And now that I’ve had the chance to read her memoirs, I am completely in love with Julia — a “late-bloomer” who found her life-long love and her PASSION, which jumped out at me from every page of this book. She loved France like I love Russia, which is so hard to describe to people, and I love food and travel too, so this book was a big hit with me. I’m certain I will re-read this many times over in the years to come. Now, where can I get my hands on a DVD collection of “The French Chef?”
Within the last 6 weeks, C and I have returned from bizarro world, and once again have two incomes, one mortgage. All sunshine & roses, right?
So this morning I logged into our bank account just to see and feel great about seeing our bank account balance being MORE than the month before (like WAY more since I just deposited the balance from the old house sale after paying off the remaining mortgage, which will now go to pay off the bridge loan we took out to make the downpayment on this house).
But in a weird twist, a couple hours later as I was walking down the hall at work, I felt a quick sudden panic attack type thought about what if now we won’t be able to cover our regular monthly expenses now that I’m on a lower salary. And I haven’t even crunched through the numbers yet until I pay off that other loan (payoff quote to be coming in mail any day now).
Where the F*** did that panic thought come from? Is it that I haven’t really been eating right lately, not drinking my nutrition shakes as regularly as I should, and relying more often than I’d like on Xanax to help me doze off at night? I haven’t felt like I had to use it more than maybe on an occaisonal Sunday night for AGES.
Am I jinxing myself?
Oh well, at least tonight the DVR is set to tape the season premier of Heroes, and I’ve got my “New Age Beer Fest” ladies arriving within the hour for a couple hours of sharing / discussion. Both very good positive things!
Has anyone else noticed the hatred is thick enough to cut with a knife? It makes me ashamed…
I just shake my head in disbelief at these “birthers,” and those who vehemently believe President Obama is akin with Hitler or Stalin, those who take any tiny little event of Obama hosting Muslim religious leaders as “proof” of some hidden “Muslim” agenda to destroy our “Christian” nation, or those that throw out the words “communism” or “socialism” when describing the political left’s agenda, yet fail to see that much of what “the left” (myself included) want to do is take care of our fellow man and protect the planet we live on…
Here’s a round-up of some of the articles from the last week or so that I belive summarize it best
Race and the Right and an article about the recent ugly ”tea-party” in Washington D.C., both at The Daily Beast. The ugly is on, and the politicians in the Republican Party are doing jack-shit to stop Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh from whipping up the frenzy.
Obama was right in his speech to the joint session of Congress last week - we are at a turning point where we need to re-focus on the moral character of our country, do right by our fellow citizen, and shape the future instead of getting appoplectic about the changes that are coming, whether we deal with them now or make our children deal with our mess. This is about people like Steve Skvara, and you and me.
Ifinally got around to start reading “Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape,” which I’d heard about on Feministing, a blog I read rather frequently. I’ve only gone through a few chapters so far, but it’s really blowing my mind, making me think through a lot of the myths I’ve internalized about rape, women’s sexuality, body image, blah blah blah… too much to go into this late at night
…but it did put me in a mood to go through and find some more blogs, written by women, which I’ve added to my blogroll on the right side-bar. Haven’t had a chance to investigate the new ones in-depth, other than browsing through the “About Me” sections, and skimming through a few sample posts.
Kinkophobia alert — some of these blogs are very “adult-only.”
