Do Vstrechi, Dorogaja Moja Ljudmila

Got the news Friday afternoon that my Russian Mama, Ludmila had passed away in her sleep.  Unfortunately, it was not a surprise to me, as over the last month and a half or so, each time I called I could hear in her voice how her health was deteriorating.  (She’d had several heart attacks in the early 90s, had open-heart bypass surgery a few years back…).

I met Ludmila and her husband Mikhail in the fall of 1991, when I cashed out the rest of my college fund to buy a plane ticket back to the (then) USSR to teach English in Kharkov, Ukraine (where I’d studied the previous fall).  Within a few weeks of arriving, I met this wonderful elderly couple who took me into their home. 

Ludmila and I hit it off very well.  She (tried) to help me learn how to cook, although she professed to not being the best cook in the world herself.  We often would sit and paint our nails together while watching some classic Russian cinema on TV.  She helped me buy a fur hat.  We had bronchitis and were housebound together in December of that year; there were a few days in a row when we’d wait for Mikhail to leave for the University in the morning, then have a quick shot of vodka with some salo (frozen pork fat-back) slices on Russian black bread, home-made dill pickles and some freshly made Russian sauerkraut to get our “organism” going for the day.  She and Mikhail listened in with excitement as I whooped “IT’S A BOY! BOY!” when finding out about the birth of my little brother in October 91.

When I went home in January of 1992, I honestly thought I’d never see Mikhail and Ludmila again. 

But I did — often, over the last 18 years.  In a strange twist of fate, their son and his wife live maybe 6 miles from me, so over the last 10 years since I moved to Chicago, I’ve seen them a lot — particularly so after Misha died in early 2006.  I became Ludmila’s only “social outlet” so to speak, as she couldn’t drive and didn’t speak English.

Our favorite place was “Ulta” – cosmetics, fragrances, lotions, bath & body, haircare, etc. all in one store – it can’t get any better than this!  Each time I went to pick up Ludmila, we always made sure to stop in.  We even nick-named it our “Khrahm Krahsohtiy” (Cathedral of Beauty), and joked about going there to pray.

We also frequented Panera quite a bit — the cheesy brocoli soup was her favorite.

She often told me “I’m not old.  I’ve just lived a long time!” She had such a fun, folksy way of speaking in Russian, which I can’t begin to describe except to use the word “JUICY.” — When I told her this once, she just loved it!

When I lived with them, her friends & acquaintances figured out pretty quickly from my accent whenever I’d answer the phone that I was American.  I was often referred to by all as “Nasha Amerikanka” (our American Girl), and Ludmila took up calling me her “Nezakonno-Rozhdenaya Dochka” (Our Illegitimate Daughter), which just cracked me up to no end, as she always said it with a saucy grin!

I was listening to new voicemail on our home phone the other day, and in the ones that we’ve saved over the years (like when the nephews were very young), there’s one from Ludmila congratulating us (!!) on Chuck’s birthday.  It was strange to hear her voice, and think that I can’t call her anymore on Saturday mornings, or on those off-nights when I wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning and give her a ring…  And it’s made all so much more strange by the fact that she was so far away anyway, on the other side of the planet…

Well, I know she’s with Misha now, and with her parents, and am very glad that she can be with them, and especially that she’s finally reuinited with her papa, whom she hadn’t seen since before WW II when he was called off, and then was killed a week after VE day, when his jeep hit a land mine in Romania on their way back home…

I was more  nervous about Chuck getting Ludmila & Mikhail’s seal of approval and for them to hit it off with Chuck’s parents than I was with my own parents… I even put our wedding on a fast track (4 1/2 mths after our engagement) so that they could BE at our wedding.

I know I”m rambling, but how does one describe the impact of a loved one passing over to the other side?  Particulary one who so completely filled the mother role for me? 

OW! That’s a Raw Nerve

Chuck and I just got done watching a documentary that follows a handful of children as they experience their first year at the Milton Hershey school in Pennsylvania. The documentary was released as part of the school’s centenial celebration.

Watching the kids deal with some of the shit in their world (sexual abuse, parents that are drug abusers, living in poverty, etc) really stirred up some OLD emotions for me – don’t get me wrong, I’m not looking for a pity party here, just connecting very strongly to some of the shit I went through as a kid (nowhere near as bad as some of the kids in this documentary) and wishing to God these kids didn’t have to go through it… And very grateful that they were able to be rescued by this school and loving, caring group of adults (house parents, psychologists, teachers) that were willing to give them a second chance in life and see them as worthy human beings that they are.

Book Review

Frankenstein: Or, The Modern Prometheus by Mary Shelley

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Not sure how we got onto the topic, but a discussion with my 7-yr old nephew about the story prompted me to read the book (my husband had it), which I’d never read. Definitely a lot more philosophical than all the resulting movies. I found that I was much more sympathetic to “the monster” than I was toward Victor Frankenstein, the creator. Vrey unexpected, but fitting ending.

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Powerful Week

It’s been a pretty big week, spiritually speaking.  Have been whacked over the head with the realization that I am so addicted to the roller coaster of life that I have a hard time accepting when things are good and start unconsciously sabotaging my state of well-being.  Also have had the chance to connect with some very powerful, positive, evolved women.  The words BRAVE, BOLD, and BIG have been resonating with me very much.   Practiced a “Rampage of Appreciation” with other women on Thursday night and it did a great job of snapping me back to “good” in just a minute flat, and reminding me of the ABUNDANCE of good in my life.  WOW.  And it was so damn EASY, too.   Great reminder on how good feeling good can be.  Also some very powerful affirmation of what my path is in this life. 

Here’s a couple songs by one of my favorite “New Age” singers, Deva Primal:

Sacred Heart Mantra:  Om Namo Narayanaya 

Pronounced:  Aum Nah-mo Nah-rah-yah-nay-yah 

Rough Translation: Om is the Name of Narayana, the flame of truth 

Description:  Narayana is the inner eternal flame located in the “Hrit Padma” or “sacred heart”, an eight-petaled secret chakra two-finger widths below the heart center. It manifests according to one’s devotion. This single attribute accounts for wonderful and fulfilling experiences for genuine seekers on the one hand and for tremendous confusion on the other.

In the Narayana Suktam it is said that Narayana is Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. It is the light dwelling in the sacred heart that conforms to the devotion of each person. Thus, when Narayana manifests it is as the persons chosen ideal. This causes confusion, because different people have different chosen ideals. The experience of a divine vision of the Beloved is so powerful that the experiencer believes the experience is absolute instead of relative. One person may see Krishna and another, Jesus. The confusion arises because not every divine experience of these beings is authentic in the sense of a real “visitation.” Sometimes it is the sacred heart manifesting due to the intense devotion of the person.

Om Namo Narayanaya takes the sayer to the sublime spiritual realms where spiritual questions are answered and great truths are revealed. Spiritual encounters with the Divine Beloved can be positively life transforming. Actual sages from antiquity who are dwelling in the subtle realms may appear and instruct. Desires my suddenly be fulfilled. This mantra is both wonderful and mysterious. 

om – O my Lord; namah – my respectful obeisances unto You; bhagavate – unto the Personality of Godhead; vasudevaya–unto Lord Krsna, the son of Vasudeva.  

Translation:  O my Lord, the all-pervading Personality of Godhead, I offer my respectful obeisances unto You.

WTF?!?

Just got back from a visit with my doctor to review my fasting blood test results, compared to 3 months ago at my annual physical. My reaction — WTF?!?

I’ve been good – got more active, reduced my carb intake, followed guidance of a nutritionist to get down to a 1500-1800 calorie/day range, cut out a lot of the guilty pleasures, ate a LOT more rabbit food.

I lost 15 pounds since I was last in to see my doc. It was NOT easy.

HOWEVER – here’s the WTF moment – all my blood test numbers went in the WRONG direction. ALL of them. Triglycerides are up > 100 points from where they were 3 months ago, and even that was way too high.

I don’t get it. Neither does my doctor. She doesn’t know what to tell me other than that she’s got another patient who is a professional marathon runner who has cholesterol & diabetes 2 numbers through the roof, even though he’s a runner and a vegan.

Go figure.

So now I get to add yet another medicine to the list. UGH. I am SO grateful I have good health insurance. If this was still while I was unemployed, I’d be royally fucked.

News Roundup

Several items have caught my attention lately — some that are heartening, some that do nasty things to my blood pressure.

On the health care front, there finally appears to be some positive signs of a public option being included in health-care reform, although I’d be mighty pissed if I was in a state that opted out. 

There has been a lot of (necessary) attention to women’s health issues during the current healthcare debate — what it boils down to is that being a woman is a pre-existing condition in many states, including for reasons such as domestic violence (WTF?!):

Here’s a recap from Feministing:  Being a victim of domestic violence can be considered a pre-existing condition. Having had a previous C-section can be a pre-existing condition (unless, of course, you get sterilized ). Just being pregnant can be a pre-existing condition (or, if you’re lucky, maybe you’ll be able to buy an expensive rider for maternity coverage). Seeking treatment (for mental health problems or HIV/AIDS) after a rape can be a pre-existing condition. And if you’ve managed to get coverage after all that, you’ll probably have to pay more for your plan simply because you are woman .

My gal Michelle Obama put out a video on the current healthcare debate the other day at Organizing for America:

On top of not getting equal service for equal premiums (!!), there is the threat that women whose existing healthcare policies cover abortion may have that taken away as an option if the anti-choice Democrats get their way.

It’s just got this gal all riled up, and I’m firing off letters to my congressional representatives nearly daily, with each new action alert in my email.  Here’s one place you can go to add your voice — “Being a Woman is Not a Pre-Existing Condition.”

On another front, employees of Planned Parenthood across the country are blogging about their experiences during the 40 day anti-choice demonstrations being staged outside their clinics nationwide over at “I Am Emily X.”  In the words of one employee, “This health center offers comprehensive reproductive health care for the men and women of this community. I mean preventive health services: STD testing and treatment, breast exams, contraception, and education and information. And we provide women with a safe space to ask questions and seek guidance on even their most complicated reproductive decisions.  Here, we help them claim their own destiny.” 

In my own words, I am so grateful to my friend L, who took me to PP when I was 16, wasn’t fully aware of what could / couldn’t get me pregnant, and my period was late.  I got advice, information on birth control and STDs, and from then on until my 20’s when I did decide to have sex, it was MY decision, and it was SAFE.  Planned Parenthood is GOOD PEOPLE.

A couple more items to note:

Maria Shriver’s report,  A Woman’s Nation,  for the Center for American Progress has come out.  I haven’t read it yet, but plan on doing so in the near future.  They’re moving beyond the “work/life balance” issue, and taking a hard look at what’s going on in our society now that women make up half the US workforce.  According to Judith Warner at the NY Times, “despite its cheery-sounding title, the report conveys a bleak portrait of women’s non-progress in our day. The wage gap persists, particularly for mothers, who now earn 73 cents for every man’s dollar. Our workforce and education system is still sex-segregated, operating along generations-old stereotypes that steer most women into low-paid, low-status, low-security professions. Women pay more for health insurance than men, have more extensive health needs than men, and suffer unique forms of discrimination in their coverage. (Women may be denied coverage because they had a Caesarean delivery or were victims of domestic violence — both “preexisting conditions.”) Regardless of the number of hours they work, they continue to do far more caretaking and housekeeping work at home than do their husbands. And discrimination against mothers (but not fathers) in the workplace is all but ubiquitous.”

On yet another front, a report entitled “Women Warriors” from the Iraq Afghanistan Veterans of America, details the (still) very sorry state of sexual harrasment, rape, and poor health care that our women in the armed forces are dealing with.

Yes, Big Heather is pissed off and not going to accept the status quo.  Like I said, those emails are getting shot off to my congressional representatives every couple days…!

To end this post on a good note, the Senate has passed the National Defense Authorization Act, which now goes to President Obama (God, I still LOVE saying that phrase!) for approval; the act includes funding to help provide mandatory, confidential, face-to-face mental health screenings for every service member returning from action, amongst other things.  Read more here.

It’s all got me in a Kill Bill mood:

Poem by Rilke

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart

and try to love the questions themselves . . .

Don’t search for the answers,

which could not be given to you now,

because you would not be able to live them.

and, the point is, to live everything.

Live the questions now.

Perhaps then, someday far in the future,

you will gradually, without even noticing it,

live your way into the answer.

 

 - Rainer Maria Rilke

Happy Dance!

The scale this morning said 199.5.  I haven’t weighed less than 200 lbs since at least January of this year when Oprah had her big “confession” in her O Magazine about weighing over 200 lbs again, as I remember when the article came out thinking, “you and me both, girl.”

WOOHOO!  Slowly but surely.

CNN Sucks

I’m guessing some of you have already seen Saturday Night Live’s most recent Obama skit. I laughed my ass off! And yes, he hasn’t done JACK that he promised yet (yes, I’m one of those nasty lefty liberals that wants him to implement his campaign promises). Here’s the skit:

The Daily Show has then come along and reemed CNN good. CNN fact checking an SNL skit, are you fucking kidding me??? CNN is NOT news, it is sensationalism, and it sucks. This bit from the Daily Show is SO spot on it’s absolutely frightening….

Book Review

Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits by Wayne W. Dyer

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
Here’s some irony for you – I stalled about 3/4 of the way through this book – just couldn’t get myself over the hump, and let myself get distracted with several other books in the meantime. There was something I just wasn’t ready to read, so this sat for at least two months, gnawing at my conscience…

I finally picked it up, determinted to SLOG through till the bitter end, and found that there was nothing “bitter” about it — blasted through the remaining two chapters (only!) within a half hour, which had me scratching my head wondering what my big hold-up was…

Unfortunately it’s been long enough since I started the book that I don’t remember much of the main content, so now I must go back again at some point and re-read, but now knowing that there is NOT some big horrible monster waiting in the closet for me at the end of the book..

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Book Review

My Life in France (Movie Tie-In Edition) by Julia Child

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I’m a self-admitted Food Network junkie, thanks in large part to watching Julia Child on PBS as a child — she was such an entertaining lady! And now that I’ve had the chance to read her memoirs, I am completely in love with Julia — a “late-bloomer” who found her life-long love and her PASSION, which jumped out at me from every page of this book. She loved France like I love Russia, which is so hard to describe to people, and I love food and travel too, so this book was a big hit with me. I’m certain I will re-read this many times over in the years to come. Now, where can I get my hands on a DVD collection of “The French Chef?”

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The Road Home

An ant hurries along a threshing floor

with its wheat grain, moving between huge stacks

of wheat, not knowing the abundance

all around.  It thinks its one grain

is all there is to love.

 

So we choose a tiny seed to be devoted to.

This body, one path or one teacher.

Look wider and farther.

 

The essence of every human being can see,

and what that essence-eye take in,

the being becomes.  Saturn.  Solomon!

 

The ocean pours through a jar,

and you might say it swims inside

the fish!  This mystery gives peace to

your longing and makes the road home home.

– Jalaluddin Rumi, 13th century Sufi mystic and poet

WTF?

Within the last 6 weeks, C and I have returned from bizarro world, and once again have two incomes, one mortgage.  All sunshine & roses, right?

So this morning I logged into our bank account just to see and feel great about seeing our bank account balance being MORE than the month before (like WAY more since I just deposited the balance from the old house sale after paying off the remaining mortgage, which will now go to pay off the bridge loan we took out to make the downpayment on this house). 

But in a weird twist, a couple hours later as I was walking down the hall at work, I felt a quick sudden panic attack type thought about what if now we won’t be able to cover our regular monthly expenses now that I’m on a lower salary.  And I haven’t even crunched through the numbers yet until I pay off that other loan (payoff quote to be coming in mail any day now). 

Where the F*** did that panic thought come from?  Is it that I haven’t really been eating right lately, not drinking my nutrition shakes as regularly as I should, and relying more often than I’d like on Xanax to help me doze off at night?  I haven’t felt like I had to use it more than maybe on an occaisonal Sunday night for AGES. 

Am I jinxing myself? 

Oh well, at least tonight the DVR is set to tape the season premier of Heroes, and I’ve got my “New Age Beer Fest” ladies arriving within the hour for a couple hours of sharing / discussion.  Both very good positive things!

Wingut Summer

Has anyone else noticed the hatred is thick enough to cut with a knife? It makes me ashamed… 

I just shake my head in disbelief at these “birthers,” and those who vehemently believe President Obama is akin with Hitler or Stalin, those who take any tiny little event of Obama hosting Muslim religious leaders as “proof” of some hidden “Muslim” agenda to destroy our “Christian” nation, or those that throw out the words “communism” or “socialism” when describing the political left’s agenda, yet fail to see that much of what “the left” (myself included) want to do is take care of our fellow man and protect the planet we live on…

Here’s a round-up of some of the articles from the last week or so that I belive summarize it best

Race and the Right and an article about the recent ugly ”tea-party” in Washington D.C., both at The Daily Beast.  The ugly is on, and the politicians in the Republican Party are doing jack-shit to stop Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh from whipping up the frenzy.

A breakdown of what’s happening in the President’s approval ratings by race, and how the Republican’s are cleverly turning the white swing voters against Obama, and people freaking out about the President speaking to our nation’s school-children about the virtue of hard work and having goals.

Obama was right in his speech to the joint session of Congress last week - we are at a turning point where we need to re-focus on the moral character of our country, do right by our fellow citizen, and shape the future instead of getting appoplectic about the changes that are coming, whether we deal with them now or make our children deal with our mess.   This is about people like Steve Skvara, and you and me.

ISO other women bloggers…

Ifinally got around to start reading “Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape,” which I’d heard about on Feministing, a blog I read rather frequently.  I’ve only gone through a few chapters so far, but it’s really blowing my mind, making me think through a lot of the myths I’ve internalized about rape, women’s sexuality, body image, blah blah blah… too much to go into this late at night

…but it did put me in a mood to go through and find some more blogs, written by women, which I’ve added to my blogroll on the right side-bar.  Haven’t had a chance to investigate the new ones in-depth, other than browsing through the “About Me” sections, and skimming through a few sample posts.  

Kinkophobia alert — some of these blogs are very “adult-only.”

Fantastic Day!

I was able to knock out re-tooling an excel workbook at work today that hasn’t been updated since 2008 that we need to track all the “intra-company” labor support agreements in 2010 — made sure the formulas all worked properly, locked a lot of the cells so that only certain cells can be used for input to prevent formulas from being edited, made sure all the links worked between sheets, got the page set-up set to a standard view regardless of tabs… This is REALLY going to be a big reference help for my department in FY10, which starts October 1.

Then went to dinner at a new place here in town, Casa Bonita, with my “job fairy” M, whom I initially met at a Law of Attraction drop-in-circle at The Present Moment. We sat outside ejoying the low 70’s evening weather, a cool margarita and delicious soft-shell tacos before walking up the street to go to tonight’s Law of Attraction circle, where we were joined by another of my very close friends.

I love going to the LOA circle each month — it’s like getting a booster shot of POSITIVE ENERGY for the next four weeks. Fantastic group of people and wonderful stories that were shared tonight. My take-away: no more “knocking on wood” — it’s attracting bad energy. I need to not think that I can “jinx” my luck, but to EXPECT good things in my life.

Had long talk with C after LOA circle about maybe trying using the “scripting” process to imagine “what would my life be like without XZY?” and how wonderful that would be. I won’t go into her particular obstacle, but I’ll tell you that I’ve used the scripting process before and it works wonders.

Book Review

John Adams by David McCullough

My rating: 5 of 5 stars
I had previously known extremely little of John Adams and the role he played as one of the pivotal founding fathers of America, other than what I’d read about the close friendship between himself and his wife, Abigail, who literally kept the farm running all those years he was off helping to birth the new nation.

David McCullough has assembled an absolutely amazing portrait not just of a historical figure, but a family man through and through who took his own calling as a servant of the public good very seriously, kept himself above the din of ruthless partisan slanders, and found his strength in his family and friendship with his wife Abigail.

I ended the book with an expanded appreciation for the sacrifices Adams and his wife Abigail made for our new-born nation, and wishing more attention was paid to Adams in our educational system. Although the book is long, the subject matter and McCullough’s writing style are so vibrant that I found it very hard to put the book down.

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Book Review

The Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho

My rating: 4 of 5 stars
I think this is the 4th or 5th book of Coelho’s that I’ve read, and I found it much more absorbing than the other books. It is a wonderfully crafted story of finding one’s meaning in life, the struggle to overcome great personal loss, and how to find the strength to rebuild.

I could not put this book down — tore through it in 3 days. This will definitely be a frequent re-read for me.

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Book Review

Zero Limits: The Secret Hawaiian System for Wealth, Health, Peace, and More by Joe Vitale

My rating: 3 of 5 stars
It was quite a mind-trip a couple months ago when I first heard about this book to also hear the whole concept that the only common factor about all the “problems” / “issues” I’d faced in my life was ME. ME. ALONE. Such a simple concept, yet so amazingly profound and such a mind-shift.

Having read a lot of Abraham-Hicks and Wayne Dyer, I’m already accepting of the concept of each of us creating our own reality. Joe Vitale takes this a step further, progressing the Hawaiian “Ho’Opononpono” concept that all of the “bad stuff” out there in the world that we encounter is of our own creation. War, murder, the economy & mass-layoffs — it was all MY creation, on top of whatever personal difficulties I’ve faced. The common factor is ME. I’m still trying to take this in.

The Ho’Oponopono approach to dealing with this is to “clean.” Frequently, on whatever issue it is that is “bad” and is drawn into our reality. The basics of this cleaning method are to repeat over and over “toward” the person, thing, issue (God) that is in your view is to repeat over and over the phrases “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, I’m sorry.”

So I’m not sure if it “works” to bring wealth, health, etc like the title of the book says, but I am finding it to be a very calming practice. Not sure I can cure world peace yet, but give me time.

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Maybe / Finally Selling the old House?

After two years of our old house (Chuck’s initially; I moved in after we got married) being on the market and a change of realtors earlier this spring, we finally have a light at the end of the tunnel.

Closing scheduled for this Friday; the inspection 3 weeks ago led to us replacing the furnace and having a gas leak for the water heater repaired by the person Chuck’s Uncle Bill sold his book of business to before he died ~ 5 yrs ago. (George). George has done good by the family these last few years; he didn’t charge us labor for this last issue. No problem, rockin’ & rollin’.

This afternoon the buyer’s lawyer called ours to say that the FHA inspector (this is an FHA buyer / loan) was there today, and the kitchen countertop outlets are within 6 feet of the sink, so they need to have those grounding switches, or the FHA won’t approve the loan. HELLO?!? Why the fuck are you doing this inspection and telling us this only 3 days before the closing?

Of course it needs to be fixed by a licensed electrician, which will likely cost $200 for installing maybe $15 worth of switches… So not so sure what this will do to the closing date. So much for this Friday, we’re guessing.

I went over tonight to see if any of the outlets had the switch (no), so stopped in to talk with the neighbor (a former resident of Kharkov, Ukraine, coincidentally, where I studied Russian). I also took the two halogen floor lamps and the vacumn cleaner we’d left there. As I was leaving, I realized I have had so much built-up frustration toward this place that was first home together that I did a little “Ho’Oponopono” cleaning.

And I still need to do some. So without further adieu:

I’m sorry,

Please forgive me,

I love you,

Thank you.